Shiny Happy People

It’s been awhile since i’ve said anything. A few times I’ve sat down to type and thought ’why bother’ and ’what’s the point’...feeling highly demoralized these days. Spend all my time just trying to stay afloat of things(what a stupid expression but so apt in my case) and meanwhile life just whizzes by....sans moi.

This isn’t a pity party for myself but simply a fact. Why does it seem like everyone is happier than me?! Sometimes I’ll sit at a street cafe sipping my trademark beverage (skinny wet cappucino with one brown sugar) and get hypnotized by all the cheery grins, spontaneous hugs and camraderie I witness.

Maybe it’s lack of friends? I do have them, I just don’t see them that much. ...and frankly the older I get the more they diminish - being replaced by ’acquaintances’ (yawn) - makeshift ’friends’ who you make do with and who make do with you. Terribly boring. Terribly unsatisfying.

I long for friends of old who would make me laugh till my stomach ached, who would know just what to say when i was depressed, or who would share my enthusiasm over the latest band i’d discovered. Yet it’s not that simple. Everyone has their own life, many have partners, some have kiddies, most have jobs....Maybe that’s the problem. Having left regular full-time employment a few years back I am now that sad cliche of ’struggling artist’, the title of which holds absolutely no glamour, many regrets and a deep panic that things will never work out the way I want them too or dreamed they would.

Of course this is me in full pessimistic mode. There are times when I feel ’sky’s the limit’ but it’s been so long since i’ve had a stroke of luck that I feel like the most mundane and ordinary of characters...a sob story whipped by the mediocrity of everyday...eeking out a bland, plain existence whilst everyone around me enjoys life.

Only three things for this: go straight back to bed, do not pass go, do not collect bugger all....or go do a spot of exercise to raise the happy brain chemicals which are so far letting me down (a walk round the park is the new prozac dontcha know?)...or go put on my threadbare old Cure t-shirt, hide away in my room and make like an angsty teenager while I play (very loudly) my favourite ’moany-groany’ music....starting with vintage Cocteau Twins...

Tara all you happy folk. I’m off to sulk...

The Sun Only Shines On TV

Lately I've become a little worried about my present state of mind. I made the mistake of renting the entire third series of 'Lost' on dvd a few weeks ago, and I've subsequently done my head in. Given that I can't get SKY, I am being tortured by the fact that the current 4th series is currently playing and i can't watch it. It's all i can think about. I am a girl obsessed.

I am a shade away from becoming a sad loser/psycho lady who bins her job, stops returning phonecalls and becomes a twinkie-eating recluse whose only friends are on the telly. Really, it's starting to cause me mild concern that the inhabitants of the 'island' on the show 'Lost' feel more real to me than most people I know.

The writers are fabulously brilliant for spinning such a convoluted plot, but I don't think that's the reason I'm so hooked. I think it's the premise that you could just one day be going about your not-so-fulfilling, rather mundane life and BOOM out of nowhere be propelled into an alternate reality in which all may not have been created equal, but are nonetheless set on an even playing field and given a second chance at life.

These days I feel like i would kill for that. Imagine having the chance to start over again but this time try a bit harder...put a little more of yourself into the process of living...not make the same stupid mistakes again. Ah well. I suspect though, the problem with time travel would be major congestion and fights breaking out over the masses who refused to come back to the present day and insisted on staying in the past, listening to unfashionable music, wearing dodgy clothes and watching bad tv.

You'd find me in a dark club, dressed in black, wearing the kind of eye make-up that only the truly young can pull off, dancing to music under a blood red sky. Yep, that's where I'd be. Dreaming up dreams, squandering time and hiding from the truth - which the band AHA wised up to many years ago:

"The sun only shines on tv."

Another Year...

So here i am mid-Jan, wondering why my life is spinning faster and faster away from me. Somehow my days are spent doing pointless and meaningless tasks which don't even bear commenting on. Can't decide whether this state of play is a human condition we all share or whether i'm just a big fat loser.....hmmm

I have waxed prolific (probably too much so) before about the whole idea of 'being a loser' and so i don't need to repeat myself, but I will suggest that the month of January is prone to such lethargic, downtrodden thoughts (sorry mom - i know January's your birthday and all that...)

Apparently more divorces and break ups occur in January than any other month. And apparently more suicides occur during the xmas holiday season than any other time. Those facts would lead me to believe that after all the booze wears off, if you haven't done yourself in then the next, less dramatic step is to do your partner in - unshackle yourself from the misery.

At any rate, I shall sign off now and ask your patience for my pointless missives...i have yet to get an internet connection at home (thanks BT! Lovin' you big time!) so they are infrequent at the moment. But nevermind i'll be back in the proverbial saddle in no time.

I know. You can't wait.