This past week I went through a major trauma. A member of my family was suddenly struck ill and my whole world collapsed. In a moment, all the things that had been pissing me off and causing me anxiety ceased to matter. My dwindling bank account? whatever.... My lack of excitement and general boredom with life? whatever... Hurts and grudges borne by others and inflicted by myself? whatever...
Luckily the outcome was positive (well we hope and believe it is) and I've been able to step back, take a deep breath and get my head together. But standing over a hospital bed in Emergency in the middle of the night, it was a different story. I had a real life lesson in what it feels like to have your heart truly 'break'.
It made me realise that when people are going through grief and major trauma and you send a card or ring them on the phone and they seem slightly aloof and withdrawn, it's not because they don't appreciate your thoughfulness. It's because they are in a different time and place to you and the rest of the world. They are existing OUTSIDE time and space in a place where it is hard, if not impossible, for anyone to reach.
Conversations about everyday things seem impossible when you're in that place, and you find yourself guzzling cup after cup of bitter coffee and staring at giant screens playing repetitive CNN through glazed, sleep-deprived eyes. Your stomach feels like it's eating itself and you're either ravenously hungry or unable to eat at all.
Having come out of such a place, without having lost a loved one, I feel like the luckiest person on earth. It feels better than I imagine winning the lottery must feel, and I step back into everyday life a slightly wiser, definately more appreciative, and slightly changed person. I am one of the lucky ones.
10:59 -
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