okay, so here is what i was wondering...my favourite stephen king novel is actually a short story called, 'the long walk' wherein a group of people prepare to walk a race which only one of them can win. i first read it in university and i remember feeling so INSPIRED when i finished it. it was like a clarion call to arms to those of us who had deep, passionate dreams we wanted to fulfull and who viewed the world as limitless in possibility and didn't truly know the realities of scope. i felt like the story was meant as a personal message to me and swore that i would never forget how i felt and would never, ever stop trying to achieve my dreams.

well it just so happens that there are three things i have always wanted to do since i can remember (around age 5 is when i first recall that distinct hunger that came from deep inside...standing in the school playground vowing never to have an 'ordinary' job like my teacher, but to make songs, write books and be an actress. Those three things have always been what i desire most. However as the years have progressed i've fallen a bit out of love with acting (all that waiting around, the almost impossibility of getting hired in the UK when i steadfastly cling onto my north atlantic accent, and the distaste of imagining all the lewd love scenes i might have to grimace through while 'paying my dues'.....so no...i put that to one side.) As for the writing, although i've kept journals my whole life, and indeed have gotten a few pieces published here and there, i feel that writing is something i shall do until the day i die and I do not really feel like devoting every waking hour to painstakingly carving out the plot of a novel i might lose interest in halfway through.

No, music is my baby. It's the thing that makes me feel most alive, most real, and quite simply, most happy. All my life i've been making up songs - when i was a child i would relish the times i was alone in the house so i could play at being on an imaginary stage and belt out my recent compositions. ( I would like it to be noted however that i never, ever, attempted dance moves..even from that early age hop-stepping around, gyrating and general sexy lewd manoeverings were never my thing. Girl band fodder i am not!)

I am however, one of those people who have had a soundtrack accompany them throughout their lives. i never just went grocery shopping. i always had a tape player/cd player/mini disc/ipod jammed into my ears and would keep time with the drums and bass as i went about my life. Music makes the world truly 3D. It gets me high. It keeps me sane. It moves me like nothing else can, or ever will.

So anyway, recently i re-read 'The Long Walk' and it kind of freaked me out. The story hadn't changed, but i had. The flush of anticipation upon finishing it was exchanged for a deep-seated feeling of dread. I'm older, wiser, and more jaded. My naivety has been somewhat replaced by realism. Is it too late? When is it too late? But you know what......?

If one person - preferably someone i don't even know...might one night, play one of my songs and feel something...anything...then i will have succeeded. Then I will somehow be connected to all that music (and the musicians) who have sustained me and my spirit over the years. That's all i want.

oh yeah, and a big fat record deal so i could produce my songs properly also wouldn't go amiss :)

better sign off before i get too heavy (but maybe it's too late for that)

laters

me