TREADING WATER

I've been quiet for awhile. A combination of having had a lot going on in my personal life and not feeling like i've had anything terribly important to say. I'm going through my 'Treading Water' phase at the moment. Don't misunderstand - i'm not saving the world or busy volunteering at a charity...nor am I out caning it every night or working too hard at a job i despise. No, i'm simply caught up in the prickly business of living. And not doing terribly well at it in my opinion.

There is one interesting thing I've realised. When i was younger, I felt utterly swept away on tides of emotions. I'm sure some of it was hormonal, chemical, substance-induced, whatever....But I was also more prone to turbulant tossing and turning if circumstance had been kind/unkind to me. I literally felt like a helpless prisoner and just tried my best to stay above water so to speak, and ride the waves. These days though, I am so self-aware (not entirely a good thing, but whatever) that I know what phase I'm in when I stop and think about it. That's why I mentioned earlier that I'm in my 'Treading Water' phase. This particular part of my unique (possibly warped) cycle, indicates that I currently have no energy for pursuing new things/friends/endeavors at the moment. I don't just mean that I'm devoid of physical energy, but that emotionally and mentally I've navel-gazed myself into a familiar hole and now, much like a disgruntled polar bear i've got to wait out the hibernation until i feel ready to tackle the world again.

This stage could last hours, days or weeks. I've really no idea. Sometimes, not dissimiliar to that old game of 'Snakes n' Ladders' I can slide down to the depths suddenly and without warning (ie. get some bad news...experience a big personal setback). Or coversely a set of steps might magically appear before me (an unexpected windfall....a great job...some amazing news) lifting me immediately out of this place into the better and far happier land of 'Anything Might Happen."

This is my favourite place. It's where I feel most amazing, and wait for good fortune to find me. I am at my most 'smile-iest', i exude confidence (if for no other reason than I AM confidant), and I notice that people are more drawn to me because I'm radiating such positive energy.

And therein lies the crux. Just like you need money to make money, you need a bit of good fortune or good luck to kickstart an otherwise humdrum life. Maybe it's an amazing job you aren't necessarily qualified for that you somehow manage to bag...or maybe you meet the most amazing person completey as a fluke and realise that they are the 'soulmate' you've never believed existed...or you're cleaning out your drawers and come across an envelope stuffed full of notes that you completely forgot you had...or your agent rings you out of the blue with an amazing job which will pay you a fortune and turn you into a player once again....or.....or just something which takes your from your current mundane state and turns you into a 'contender'. In literature I believe it's referred to as, 'Fortune smiling down upon you'.

Is it selfish to wish for more than you have? Certainly in this day and age it is. There are starving, tortured souls scattered around the world. But by the same token, there are individuals around the globe who are living fulfilled, captivating lives. They are making a difference, meeting extraordinary people, seeing their dreams come to fruition, or maybe even just having so much fun it's criminal. It really depends on where you want to place yourself on the human map. Do you want to carve out a cosy, comfy existence for yourself...a niche where you and your mates can block out the rest of the world, drink wine and proliferate on all things amusing and strange? Create your own 'Neverland' and coast through life blissfully chilled with the psychological buffer of lots of friends and lots of laughs? Nice one...you're lucky if that's an option.

Maybe you want to sell up, consolidate your life and take off on an amazing journey around the world...becoming someone of no fixed address and no idea where you'll be in five years (let alone five months). If this is so, then I salute you. There is a big old world out there with more adventures than you could ever experience in a million lifetimes, so you may as well tuck in and get started.

Perhaps you are in a job or career where you've smashed the glass ceiling and are flying high into the unknown and are in a position to do better than you ever imagined you could. You're a mover and shaker set to acquire riches, win that coveted title, or retire early; maybe even start up your own successful business....the stratosphere awaits and in that case what is there to say but 'go for it'.

There are a million possible outcomes for even the most mundane of lives. It's the duty of each of us to find our own way and pursue our own inevitable destiny. Only some of us don't believe in that, and merely try and survive this life. Others believe in 'it' when we're young and slowly the reality of life beats it out of us until we no longer remember ever believing in more than we can see in front of our eyes. Still others will always be aware of a niggling feeling deep inside. Some inkling of burning dissatisfaction which will remain with us till the day we die. That 'could have been/would have been/should have been' other destiny which our lives merely alluded to but never fully explored. This could end up being tragic unless you learn to live with it or reconcile yourself to never knowing and no longer caring.

As for me, I fall into the broad category of 'tortured artist' (sigh) but am filed deep down into my own sub-section of tragi/comic angst. Yes, I'm a cliche. I'm a living breathing 'wannabe'....but I don't wannabe anybody but the person I'm supposed to be. Only sometimes it all gets too exhuasting and confusing and I feel like I really can't be bothered ('Treading Water'). As i've mentioned in earlier blogs, I've had the same dreams since i was five years old, and I have no real excuse for not achieving them. In my case ignorance would be bliss, but given that I am devoid of such an excuse than I'll just have to hobble along, hoping for a bit of good fortune, a helping hand, a kindred spirit to bolster my faith, some sign that i'm on the right path and everything will work out in the end. I'll try and 'keep the faith' regardless of the fact that I sometimes feel like holding my breath till i pass out.